Raising a Kid is Easy

Sicks kids are awful. No, that pic is not of Cruz when he's sick... it's his Uncle Gabe. I don't know how many times that I saw a kid out in public with a snot crusted nose, an eye that had schmutz on it, and looking really run down and though "what in the hell is wrong with this kids parents? Wipe the damn kids nose! Clean up his eye! What's wrong with you?" I also remember cussing parents out because their kid cried while I was eating at a resutraunt. I couldn't believe how inconsiderate it was to have thier kid out while I was trying to enjoy a meal.

I now know a few things. Kids get sick. Kids have nasty noses. Kids cry despite your best efforts. While we were out for a family meal the other night with Ash's family I found myself standing and bouncing with a little Cruz dude trying to keep the big cries from coming. It turns out that this whole parenting thing is easier when you don't have any.

Sick kids also can't breathe well. The Dr. told us to elevate his head by propping his matress up with pillows. Then you have to put rolled up pillows along side him so he doesn't roll down. Well Cruzer doesn't lay still for anything, so every morning he was laying upside down hacking his little heart out. Man sick kids are awful. You can't do anything for them. It's like talking to a democrat, you know the only real answer is to let them figure out no one can do it for them, but you just want to help. You also know they might have a wet diaper.

So I apologize to every parent of the kid with the crusty nose. My bad, I get it now. I also apolgize to Cruz because I tend to drop food on him while I am trying to eat/bounce/pace.

Blow Outs

There are two types of baby poops. Normal baby poops, and then "Oh my god I think Cruz swallowed an air compressor tied to a rotten animal carcus compost bin" poops. The last couple nights have been the former. And it's gross.

We are talking poo from the top of the back to the toes. Like toe jam replaced with toe shat. It's awful. In fact so awful that the last two days we had to go surgical and cut off the onesie and get a bath ready. I used 17 wipes just getting the poo off enough to put Cruz in the in the bath so he didn't dirty the water.

But life is like that some times. Sometimes an extra bath and a cut up onesie aren't the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that you haven't cut your nails recently.... Now where did I pur my string cheese?

Don't Punch Things

Don't be that guy. Everyone knows some guy that got mad, probably while drinking, and punched a hole in the wall. No one likes that guy. Not your dad, your girlfriend, or your roomates who just saw their deposit disappear. Your chances of breaking your hand are much higher than your chances of impressing anyone. I have always wanted to punch a hole in the wall to see how hard it is, but never have just because of this fact.

As anyone who has hung drywall can attest, I am very bad at knowing where studs are going to be. I put about 5 screws into the drywall before I find a stud most times. Why is this relevant? Because I am quite certain my stud finding abilities would be much higher when trying to avoid them.

Most nurses don't get all dolled up for their shift unless they are on Grey's Anatomy or some other god awful show that your mother watches. I am quite certain however that the day you go to the emergency room with a shattered hand from punching a wall you will find a whole full of hotties. They will mock you. They will make your pride hurt far more than your hand.

So don't punch walls tough guy. I hate patching dry wall and having a cast sucks. So really, just count to ten, or go for a jog or something.

Gourmet Food

There are few things that give me joy in this world like good food. The pic above is a beautiful little pig fetish piece called the porkgasm. It's sausage wrapped around bacon, which is wrapped in bacon, and smoke. So in summary, from inside out the ingredients are:

Cooked bacon

Cheese

BBQ Sauce

Sausage

Bacon
BBQ sauce

Yeah, it's awesome.

Not every good food has to be that complex. Here are some good foods you need to know about. Dad cares about you this much that he's teaching you the important stuff free of charge.

Pretzels and Salsa- If you hold pretzels right you can use them as a scoop for salsa. It requires a certain skill, but every great step forward in human history came through great work. It's worth it. It's spicy, salty, and awesome.

Pretzels and Peanut Butter- Seriously, it's awesome.

Macaroni and cheese and pulled pork- Every time I make pulled pork I like to make at least 4 pounds, and that can last a long time. So I like to make a little mac and cheese and add some pulled pork in. Mac and cheese is good on it's own. Add pulled pork and it's amazing.

Homemade peanut butter- Chew dry roast peanuts, then add olive oil. Swirl in your mouth. Tastes just like peanut butter doesn't it?

I don't know if that is true, but it sounds good.

Toasted PB and J- If you have a sandwich press it is best. Butter the bread and then add peanut butter and grape jelly. Now toast that mother sandwich. That is some good eating. The jelly oozes out the side and the whole thing tastes like smiles.

Candied Bacon- This is proof that God love us. Take bacon and cover it with brown sugar and bake it in the oven (at which point your bacon is bakin') . Make sure you get it off the pan right away so it doesn't stick. Then wrap it in wax paper and throw it in the fridge so it can set up. It's dog treats for humans and will change your whole perspective on life.

So this is just a little teaser on life beyond bottles. It's a brave world.

Back By Popular Demand

I can't tell you how many times here lately I have had pleas to bring back the blog. People just hanging on waiting to see what else I have to say. Just the other day for example, my buddy Fid said, "is your blog still going?" I can't deny that kind of public outcry. I am a man of the people for God's sake.

So it is with great excitement and fanfare that I announce that lessonsformykid is back in full force. I have a kid to teach after all. So what the hell have I been doing the last 3 months that was so important that I killed the blog? Well, I had a ton of diapers, middle of the night wake up calls, and that permanent haze that a new dad gets.

So here we go, it's a reset. A whole new set of letters and lessons for my son. Enjoy... or not.