ANNOUNCEMENT

Ashley did not give birth today. But it's good to see you are reading the blog. Childish huh?

Speaker Phone Football

So what does this picture have to do with todays lesson? Not a damn thing. I was trying to think of a way to incorporate watching football with you and teaching my buddy CVP about being a football fan so I Googled "speakerphone football" and this pic came up. See how easy this is?

My buddy CVP has asked me to explain some of the finer points of football as long as I will be explaining them to you. I have thought of three options here.
1. Start a second blog called Lessons for My Van Pelt- Seems too easy
2. Have CVP buy a Fall home in Cedar Falls. - Good Idea
3. Fly out to San Fransisco as a consultant. - Great Idea. Especially because in my world someone else pays for that flight.

So what is this post really about? Nothing. But CVP called tonight and I am out of ideas for blog posts. So this is what you are stuck with.

Monday Night Football

In what I hope will be your final Monday Night Football game in the womb the Chicago Bears beat the Green Bay Packers. This was a game I invited you to, but I am glad that you were not here for. My blood pressure was high, and there was plenty of yelling and screaming involved. The Packers are a good young team and a team that I respect, begrudgingly. Bears vs. Packers is always a good game and tonight's game was no exception. I am worried now that the Bears might not play well once you are born, and then what will I do with you?

Bear Down little buddy. It's going to be a great year. I just hope you can sleep through your dad's yells and penalty calling. I am not sure exactly why it is, but it seems that the refs only make the correct calls if I yell at the TV and make wild arm gestures. It's also how the Bears know when there is a fumble or interception or if they should challenge a play. It's weird that they never acknowledge me in the post game interviews, but I am sure they have alot on their mind.

BEAR DOWN

Fight songs are stupid and outdated when you look at the lyrics but sound so cool when a whole stadium starts singing them after a touchdown. The Bears are no exception in this case. You will need to learn this song no matter how dumb the lyrics.

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.

Finally

I don't think I need to say anything else. This is amazing.

Labor Alarm

Last night around 2:15 AM my wife woke me up saying "Beau! Beau! Wake UP!"

I realized immediately what this meant. I was ready to jump out of bed and glad the hospital bag and the car seat. I knew I had to get the thing of munchies and the other bag with the baby clothes to bring him home in. Oh man I was excited.

"You're snoring! Roll over!" she said.

False Alarm. Seriously kid. Hurry up.

It's a Small World

When you hear people say, "It's a Small World After All," they are either trying to offer commentary on the interconnectedness of the world, or they are telling you they are in the fifth level of hell. The "It's a Small World" ride at Walt Disney is as much fun as hemroids on a bike ride. The only difference is that I have been on the Disney ride.

The "Small World" saying is crazy in how true it is. The further you venture from home, the more amazing it becomes. When I was a junior in college I had two of these moment while living in Australia for a semester. The first was while we were walking around a mall in Sydney, Austraila and saw an Iowa Cyclones t-shirt. This was not only amazing seeing a bit of home that far away totally at random, but even more amazing because they can't sell Iowa State gear in Iowa! What the hell was it doing abroad?

Funny story about Iowa State:
My good friend Lydia went to Iowa State and when she came home to visit one time I asked how school was and if she had a boyfriend there yet. She laughed and said that school was good, and the male/ female ratio was so wacked that even her ugly friends had boyfriends. That should tell you everything you need to know. DON'T GO TO IOWA STATE.

The other "small world" story from that semester was that I sat down in class the first day next to the first pretty blonde I saw. When I introduced myself I realized that she had the same accent I had, and was in fact from Iowa Falls, IA. Iowa Falls is about a half hour from Hampton, where I grew up. We laughed and became good friends. About 2 years later I stood in the living room of the man, Carrol, that would marry my Grandma Sanders after my Grandpa Leonard had passed. (Grandpa Leonard was one of the cool dudes of all time by the way.) While looking at Carrol's family photos I said, "Mom, that looks just like...." as Carroll pointed over my shoulder and said, "and this is my granddaughter Kandice" who just happened to be the girl I had sat in class next to. Months late at their wedding we shared a laugh at the irony of it all.

There is one last small world story, and it all ties together nicely here. When I was a kid my Grandpa Sanders used to tell a story about the time that he and a few National Guard buddies stole two tanks to race. Grandpa had removed the governor (small device that limits speed to protect the engine) on his tank and was winning, but then he heard over radio that they were coming for him and so he pulled underneath a bridge so they couldn't find him. I always assumed that this was one of Grandpas stories that he didn't let facts get in the way of.

One day while reviewing an insurance policy with an older couple, the couple told me they were from Iowa Falls. I asked if they knew my grandparents. The gentleman started laughing and said, "Are you really Leonard's grandkid? I remember the time we stole a tank and raced it....." That was one of the truly cool moments in my life reliving that story through a second set of eyes. Also, it made me question how many other stories I assumed were BS were actually true.

So long story short.... actually it's fairly long isn't it?... It's a small world and even the things you think you can hide will come back eventually. Live the life you want others to know about and you will have nothing to hide. But like Grandpa Sanders did... live some stories worth telling.

Awwww.....

Isn't this cute? Here's your mom holding you in. I will never forget the sights of you and your mom hanging out, or the sights of your mom hanging out because of you. She has really mastered this whole cute pregnant chick thing. We are so excited to meet you, and can't believe how amazing the whole pregnancy thing is.

But seriously, hurry up. I am getting bored waiting for you to show up. I know that life is going to change and bla bla bla.... but we are ready. The Bears and Packers play on Monday Night Football and we have a Bears sleeper all ready to go. You could come this week and we can watch the game together. Maybe I will even take you out for your first chicken wings.

But really dude. Hurry up. I am bored with this whole waiting thing, and I know your mom is ready to stop wearing my shorts any day now.

I love you, and we have both loved this whole pregnancy thing, but seriously....

Have Awesome Friends

Your friends will be the people that you turn to when your heart has been broken, your job sucks, or you don't know what to do next. Sometimes you will need them to listen, and sometimes you will need them to tell you to suck it up and move on.

Your friends will be the people to help you celebrate the best parts of your life. They will be there when you see your first boob, hit your first home run, get engaged, and stand up for you in your wedding.

Your best friends will be the people that you might not see for a period of time, but when you are together it is like you saw them last week. The same stories you have told for years will seem as awesome as the time when it originally happened. This will drive your wife nuts, but hopefully she will be as understanding as your mom is. Who doesn't want to hear the stories about blowing up snow drifts with Lanky's fireworks again?

Just remember that there is only one thing more important than your friends, and that is your family. If you play your cards right, your friends will become as close to family as you can get. That is when you know you have done it right.

PS. Dad can be your friend too, but I can't tell you those stories until much later in life.

Laugh at Others

Everyone has something they strive to be, and when they meet someone who as the same goal one of two things happen.
1. They work together to make the goal happen.
2. They hate each other and think about how much better they are than the other person.

I hereby implore you to engage in the firts option. I used to fancy myself as quite the funny person. I loved nothing more than when I was the attention of the party and when everyone was laughing at my jokes. So much so in fact that I missed out on multiple opportunities to laugh along with others, because I was thinking about what I could respond with that would be funnier. When did I grow out of that? ....

I don't know how many times in my life I have missed out on enjoying a joke or a funny story by trying to top it. I don't know how many times I have looked like a dick because of it. This will surprise alot of people that I know (no it won't) because they have never noticed it (yes they have) since I have never let it outwardly show (all the time).

So go out there and enjoy what others have to offer, even if it is what you want to be known for. You might end up with a great friend out of the deal. I will never forget the weekend that I met my friend Heiney. He was an obnoxiously loud friend of Fid's. I eventually realized that I didn't like him because we were filling the same role. Now we are great friends, and he's a guy that I love to be around. We get to be loud and obnoxious together.

It's great to have a sidekick like him. You never know when you will need someone almost as funny as you are to enjoy your jokes.

By the way, this is why you shouldn't try to dance. We obviously were being funny at this point... not really dancing...

Possible Job Openings

You can be whatever you want to be. I will never pressure you into a career that you don't want to go into. I will however take this chance to mention a few possible gigs that you could keep your eyes on. Keep in mind that these are the top of the line when it comes to cool, and I will not support you financially while you pursue the dream. If you make it however, I will be back to cash in.

Rock Star- There is not a cooler job in the world, as long as you are one of the very few that actually make it. Otherwise it's just really sad. So just be one of the very few that make it big and it will be a great gig. When you think of it, every concert is an appointment. You can open every appointment by screaming "WHO'S READY TO ROCK??" and everyone will scream back in adoration. If I opened an appointment with screaming anything at my clients I would have dead old people and stinky chairs.

If the band fails you can always be a producer, label executive, or music executive. VH1 is probably holding a job for you as we speak.

Starting Pitcher- Another great job. You are going to have to work hard. If it works there would be nothing cooler. Just make sure to have some good fall back options because you are one busted joint from being Mr. Whatmightvebeen. \

Model- You can move to France and pursue a career in..... Just kidding. This post is written for my son. You would not be my son if you became a model or moved to France. If you did move to France I would suggest keeping a folded up white flag. You never know when you will need to surrender. Just know I would not consider you my son at that point.

Stand Up Comedian- I always wanted to be a stand up comedian. For a while in college I considered dropping out and going on the road. I am glad now that I didn't, but I really wanted to. If I had I wouldn't have been able to have the family that I always wanted, but it would have been fun. Just know that for every great comedian, there are a million stuck in roach infested motels. Not only do you have to think you are the funniest person in your crew, but also have to think you are so funny that people will pay to see you. Think twice before taking this career path.

President- I think that being the President of the United States of America would be the worst job in the world. Any of the previously listed jobs makes more than the President. Think about that for a minute... A killer slider can make you more money than the pres... "You might be a redneck" makes more than the pres....

The President has more power than anyone in the world, but is also second geussed more than anyone in the world. It's a thankless job that causes mad stress. Look at what it does to you.


And to think, Bush looks that much older even though many said he took too many vacations, and Clinton looks that much older after taking too many interns...

It's a tough gig. Choose your profession wisely.

Don't Worry Son

I bought a new shredder for my office awhile back. I wasn't going to anyway, but it reminded me to not shred you. Or your mom's hair. Or shred Silly String. Or even "Jorgensen" my fingers.

Sometimes you can never be too safe. So thank you Brothers Corp. for the heads up on that one.

The Face of the Franchise

There is no one position in football more important than the quarterback. They have the most pressure, the most responsibility, and the best rewards. Pictured above is Tom Brady, who has 3 Super Bowl Rings and 2 Super Bowl MVPs, and despite having a lot of career left is already a sure fire Hall of Famer.
(Tom Brady is making 24 million dollars per year and this is his wife.)
This is why the QB is the often the "Face of the Franchise." You may wonder why the Bears haven't been very good lately. Well son, that is hard to put a finger on. Why hasn't one of our QB's assumed that mantle?
I mean surely Jay Cutler has the talent, the arm strength, and the courage to win. What could be missing?
Even when we were in the Super Bowl a few years back it seemed that we were missing something in the "Face of the Franchise" QB position.


Kyle Orton was the kind of QB that could be a "Game Manager, or Caretaker, but never the face of the franchise.

The last time that the Bears had that kind of QB he turned out to be a bit eratic, and not someone you could count on. But really, who could have seen that coming.

So here is hoping that you are good looking, and have one hell of an arm.

You Tricky Little Shit

Congratulations my son, you are officially a Jorgensen male. Even with the advantages of modern medicine you have still managed to pull a fast one on the doctor. Last week the doctor guessed you at five pounds which is kinda small. The Dr. then ordered an ultrasound for the following week to check your size. You are really damn near 7 pounds. You are a tricky little fatty which makes me very proud.

When I was born, and your Uncle Gabe for that matter, the Dr. thought we were girls. That was back when the Dr.'s only tool was some kind of voodoo hippy magic and a coin toss, but we fooled them. Jorgensens 1, World 0. For the record, they didn't have ultrasounds back then. They knew as soon as they pulled up the ultrasound image that you were a boy. I am proud of you Tommy Tripod (Single Tear).

So now with three weeks left please do me a favor, stop growing your head size. Your mom and I would both appreciate that.

Important Knowledge

Once upon a time, in a land far far away called "WhenIwasakid", we had two sources of knowledge. The library and this guy, Mr. Wizard.

You are lucky because I am about to answer some of life's big questions that I had to find out on my own. Partly because I don't want you to ask your uncles, and partly because I think you will figure out how to get Google to show you the good stuff at too young of an age.

What is sausage made of?
Sausage is made of all the parts of meat that don't make it into the meat counter, fat, and seasoning. That is why sausage tastes so good. When sausage was invented butchers told rich people that sausage was made of poor cuts of meat and therefore they wouldn't want it. They did the same with BBQ cuts like ribs and briskets. Then they took all the good stuff and made the most delicious food out of it and shared it with their friends. This is why people say they would rather be poor and happy than rich and alone. Because they want to eat delicious meat.

What are hot dogs made of?
The stuff that isn't good enough to go into sausage or dog food. Seriously, it's nasty. It's like SPAM sticks.

Where do I buy fireworks?
Missouri, South Dakota, or anywhere people don't have teeth. I am kidding of course. What I meant was anywhere that people don't have most of their teeth.

When should I root for the Vikings?

Why does behind my ear smell weird?
I don't know, why would I know? What are you trying to say?

Why do most other countries drive on the other side of the road and use the metric system?
That is because we will drive where ever we damn well please and measure how far we go however the hell we want. The founding fathers said if they drove on the left, we will drive on the right. If they they think France sucks, we will think France is good until we have to bail them out in two World Wars only to have them turn their backs on us and never even thank us for not having a German acccent. It all started when we broke off from England and we have had a bad attitude ever since.

By the way, it's scary as hell riding in a car in a foreign country the first time, and even worse when you drive. I also encountered my first roundabout while driving on the other side of the road. It was a tense moment with alot of screaming and relief at the end. I imagine it will be similar to child birth. I lived in Australia for six months and never got used to driving on that side of the road. I would imagine if they ever host a NASCAR even they will only turn right.
(Look! NASCAR Humor!)

The whole measurement thing is worse though. The first problem is that metric makes more sense, and the second problem is that we are at a disadvantage in trade because of it. You will also need two sets of wrenches and sockets. Usually more tools is a good thing, in this case it's just a pain in the ass.

How do I clean a coffee pot?
Mix half water and half vinegar. Run it through several times and then rinse with a few pure water runs. Works every time.

This is important knowledge.

Things Change Tough Guy

You will spend most of your life being tough. It's the American way. We are a nation of tough guys. John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are American icons for God's sake. I know I have always looked up to my dad for his stoicism and calm under pressure. We praise Marines for running towards gunfire while most would run away. Being a manly man is a good thing.

Then you find out that your wife is pregnant... and for some guys that changes everything. Suddenly Hallmark commercials, videos of fathers and sons playing catch, and country songs making breathing a bit harder and dust settle in your eyeballs.

One of my best friends wife called the other day and said I needed to listen to a song that made her think of Ashley and I. She said it was so sweet and it made her cry. I laughed it off and told Ashley about it. We looked up the song. Sorry Jen, maybe you aren't crazy after all. Ashley started balling before the opening was done. (http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/anything-like-me-27657.html)

You ruined me kid. I am no longer as steely and hard as I once was. It's all your fault. It used to just be This Old Cub and booze that got me misty eyed. And it's all your fault.

Another Cool Site

http://rulesformyunbornson.tumblr.com/
I am up to 79 posts now which blows my mind. I can't believe I have milked 4 ideas into that many post. I am amazing when it comes to recycling considering that I don't even have a little blue box in the garage.

This is a site that I have recently stumbled upon which I love. http://rulesformyunbornson.tumbler.com/. I am linking to him because:

A. Similar Idea

B. He has a book deal

C. He is also trying to tell his son what to do in case he dies

D. Great read

Gramma

(For the record, I have always spelled Gramma J wrong, because it felt right.)

My Gramma J has always been one of my best friends. As far back as I can remember, that woman has been there. I remember racing her to the corner in Hampton. She would drive from her house, and I would run to where she would pick me up. Funny thing is, it was Hampton IA, neither one of us went more than 3 blocks. I remember the walks, and picnics in the park near her house. I remember playing hours of cards together. The ongoing bet was a hug if she won, and cookies if I did. We kept track too. I would occasionally cash in about 6 dozen cookies at a time. She didn't care. She was going to make them either way.

I remember taking road trips together. She would have me sit in a booster seat and wear my Grandpa Don's hat. She told me it was because State Troopers wouldn't be as likely to pull over a car with a man in it. I now realize it was because I looked cuter that way, and felt more important. There were a lot of trips with Perry Como and Harry Belefante blaring on the stereo. We always laughed so much together. I don't know how many times I sang that stupid bananas song just because she liked it.

I remember her coming to stay with me in Spencer after we had moved. Mom and Dad were gone for a few days so it was just Gramma and me. She was going to come pick me up after school, but Gabe's "Big Red" 1980 Chevy Truck was behind her car. She didn't want to be late, so she left her Cadiallac in the driveway. I will never forget Gramma J coming down the road bouncing up and down in Big Red to come get me. Big Red had no suspension, was a clutch, and was a huge POS. Gramma didn't care, she could drive it. I laughed so hard. She looked so awesome with her little wig bouncing up and down in that full sized truck.

She taught me how to mow lawn, drive on the interstate, and how to play numerous card games. She taught me alot about family and love. She taught me about selflessness, and toughness all at once. I remember Grandma telling me that some day I would love a woman, and I would want to kiss her. I told her she was crazy. I now know that Gramma was right, and more than kissing happened to make you. I don't think she would be suprised.

Gramma's health has slipped. She isn't nimble enough to chase me with a yard stick. She can't make the 8 course meals we used to enjoy at her place. She is now confined to a bed, and when we do get to take our son to visit we will have to swaddle him and hope for the best. Doesn't matter to me, I am still in awe of that old bird. Now all that Gramma wants to do is live long enough to meet our kid. She doesn't remember most people that come to visit, but she usually remembers me, and always remembers that I am the one with the kid coming. She tells me how beautiful that child is going to be and how proud of me she is every time I see her. She reminds me of how wonderful my wife is, every time I see her. Gramma J might not remember everything everytime but she remembers the important stuff. She makes me promise to bring my son ASAP every time I come see her. She doesn't want to have to live to long after all.

I can't wait for that day. I can't wait to give her that one last thrill of holding her Great-Grandchild. I know she has held on for that sole purpose since we told her that Ash was pregnant. It's crazy how this woman who can't remember most things, never forgets that. I honestly believe that will be it. She will get to hold my son, and then she'll be gone. It's been her reason for months now.

Family is wierd like that. I will love that woman far after she is gone, and she will be a part of your life whether she is physically here or not. She will live on in my stories of her, and the parts of my personality I learned from her. Gramma J is a woman filled with love. When she goes I will shed tears, but they will be selfish ones. She's ready to go, I know she needs to, but it will kill me to know that I won't have that old woman to make laugh anymore. She's very special to me.

Love your elders, you never know how much time you have left, and you don't get to call a do-over . I love you Gramma.