It's Bigger Than That

Ever since you came home from the hospital our time has been full. Your mom wants to do some decorating when I get home, we both want to eat, and somewhere in between we have to figure out how the hell to be good parents as well. That picutre above is of a guy that got me here, and has tried to teach me a thing or two about being a good dad. His advice was, "Just love 'em as much as you can."

Pure. Simple. Ray J logic. You don't require a doctor's knowledge or a grandma's touch. You just need to know that you are safe, dry, warm, and cared for. As many "lamby chairs, and swings," self image books or whatever else the new craze is.... a baby just wants to be taken care of. It's humbling and so reassuring in the same stroke. A baby doesn't care for it's surroundings as long as someone will bounce and hum a tune. It doesn't even matter if the tune is good. I know this for a fact because my Grandma J was an angel in my mind and her voice was like a canary and cement mixer getting run over by an ugly truck. She never met a tune she couldn't kill. She was a melody assassin. I gaurantee she would agree.

It's the big things we make to big, and when we do we miss the big truths, that it's the simple things with the smallest people that make the biggest impact. I just hope you can slow down enough to see it.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Not everyone was on board when you came home. For the last 4 years Jade has been my little friend. We watched football together, took naps together, and spent countless hours hanging out on the couch in the basement. You have really cut into her time.
For the first week or two you were home she just hid from you. She wanted nothing to do with you and if at all possible she made sure they she was in a different room from you. She even tried to interview replacements for me, but alas they could not run a door handle. So outside they had to stay.

Eventually she realized that if she was to get the attention she desired she would have to come closer.
We aren't exactly there yet, but we are getting closer all the time.

Happens All The Time

Many times when I am out on the street people will stop me and say, "Hey! Aren't you the author of the smash hit blog, LessonsForMyKid.blogspot.com?"

"Yes I am, Sir or Madam," because I like to keep it formal with my readers, "I am, but can you really call me the author when the material practically writes itself?" Then we share a laugh and a tumbler of fine scotch. This can get awkward sometimes, because I don't carry scotch with me and sometimes the fine folks at the grocery store look like they want to press charges again. It's all part of the gig I guess.

So what is the point of this post? Humility.

Kill 'Em All

I can't believe you are this young and I have already failed you so miserably. Your first Halloween has come and gone and yet you have no idea how to kill the majority of monsters. This is especially important on Halloween since you never know who's an innocent child with a mask, and who is a bloodthirsty monster. What follows is a handy, but not comprehensive list of monster killers.

Vampires- Vampires are so chic right now. There are a few TV shows and approximately eleventy billion movies and books on the subject. Killing vampires is best handled with a wooden stake to the heart or exposure to sunlight. Now the easiest way to kill a vampire movie would be by adding a plot or storyline but that is not the point.

Zombies- Zombies are the undead returned to extract vengeance on the living and recruit more of the living to the ranks. They mostly just wander around looking for humans to bite and are generally more of a power in numbers than a real mental force. They are kind of like a bar crowd in a college town after the bars close. It appears the best way to eliminate a zombie threat would be fire, shotguns, or nuclear weapons. The nuclear weapons could potentially have the downside of long term infertility, and ya know... death.

Hairy Monsters- I asked your mom which monsters she thought I should cover and she said, "Umm, Monsters... ya know... hairy monsters..." So I guess I would suggest a razor and some Nair. Thanks honey.

Wizards- Wizards are a tough one to deal with. On one hand I would suggest that you look for the guy with a lightening mark on his forehead, and on the other hand I would suggest that you make sure that the wizard you are battling can't possess the One Ring. It really depends what time of life you discovered your dorkiness. Either way the best way to kill a wizard is a wizard duel. Look it up, it's a fact. Potter vs. Voldemort, Gandolf the White vs. Sauramon the Black... (Fun fact! Sauramon the Black was a white guy and Gandolf the White was grey.) It's science! This won't be real handy info unless you are a wizard. So yeah.. sorry about that.

Democrats- Now you can't really go around killing Democrats. It is illegal and and immoral. What you can do however is kill a Democrat's career and party power. The best way to do so is to sit back and let them do it themselves by ignoring the will of the voters and passing Health Care Bills and expanding the federal government far more than any rational individual would ever want.

The last time that the government was this successful in pissing off the common voter they decided that prohibition was a good idea. By listening to a small sect of influentials citing highly ideological mumbojumbo they came to the realization that booze was the root of all evil and that to preserve the union the spirits must go. Now if you had a headache from celebrating that last night of legal drinking you could try to dull the pain with a bit of opium that was perfectly fine. The upside to prohibition was realized immediately. New jobs were created everywhere now that men didn't have hangovers to fight off. For example there were bootleggers, still operators, moonshiners, and all the organized crime to make sure it was administered smoothly.

Now obviously I am not trying to say that Obamacare and Prohibition are similar. Not at all. Prohibition created jobs. That is something the current administration has proven to be very adept at avoiding.

So there it is, a handy Monster Self Protection Guide. Happy Halloween.

Legit Parents

I think we are official parents tonight. We had a meeting for Cruz's baptism tonight so we tried to feed him a little extra to get him to sleep a bit longer. Naturally that didn't work so in a room with 7 other couples and their children, the children's staff, and the 15 members of the leadership team for the church Cruz starting crying... during the prayer... after he got done burping. Somewhere around Amen he started crying. During the prayer I am trying to jam a pacifier in his mouth while his head is jerking around like the Exorsist and I think I managed to get the pacifier in his ear, nose, chin, and maybe even his mouth once. Tonight I will pray on the correct way to handle that situation, because I am pretty sure that keeping your eyes closed and mind focused doesn't go well with trying to get the pacifier in a moving target.

We were a bit run down from the night before when Cruz stayed up pooping and crying so we decided to do a nice supper out. As I screamed my order into the driveup menu at McDonalds the kind woman asked me over and over what I had asked for since she couldn't understand over Cruz's uncontrollable wailing. (Fun side note: A 6 piece McNugget meal is now a kids meal. I know this because I got a toy tonight and the little Fry sack instead of the fry box. This is why our country is fat. I am going to come back to this some time.) So Ash hopped out of the car to try to comfort Cruz as I argued with the menu and I started to pull away, but I didn't know this because I was trying to get my Hi-C orange with a barbecue sauce pack. So I almost killed her as I pulled ahead to window two.

So over all it was one of those nights. It's a good thing that the little dude is so damn cute...