A Camp Fire and Friends

All you need for a good night can be found in a pile of wood, an ignition source, and a small group of friends. The last two nights for your mom and I, and you I guess, have been spent around a small fire with some good friends. I swear that is all you need in life to be happy. Especially if you are stranded in the middle of the woods waiting for rescue, but that wasn't the case either night. Well, if that was the case I would suggest some tarps and flares but since this was more the back yard sort rather than the hoping for rescue kind we didn't really need the flares. Don't tell that to our friend Parkhurst though, he might stop buying fireworks, and we don't need that to happen.

Sometimes life gets really busy and hectic. Sometimes we need to slow it all down and just enjoy the company of those we love and stare at a fire for a few hours over a couple of laughs. Since you are a male I am quite sure that you will love a good fire I just hope I can teach you that the outside variety are better than the ones you start in the living room when no one is looking. I promise you that those will get you grounded faster than you can comprehend. I have the house well insured but I don't need to be turning in claims like that.

When life is moving too fast, and you need a moment to reflect, I tell you now that there are worse ways to acheive it than staring at a fire dance with your friends. Even better, stare at the fire at a safe distance with your dad. Enjoy.

Fantasy Football

What does this picture mean? I have no idea, but it came up in a Google search for fantasy football and I kind of liked it.

Fantasy football is a very important part of a mans life. Before there was fantasy football people only had an interest in one game a week, their favorite teams. Now that people have the ability to have their own team made up of players from all over the league, we can watch every game with a vested interest. This means you can spend the entire day Sunday on the couch with your laptop running real time scoring updates. This is a good thing. In fact this is the best thing to happen to Sundays since we found a church that has a coffee bar. I can't wait to watch those games together, and I really glad that you will never dirty your diaper or cry when football is on. Right?

Fantasy football teams are a great way for friends and family to keep in touch. A bunch of my buddies from college, and all of your uncles are in my league. Well, all of your uncles were in the league until I kicked your Uncle Gabe out. He is still bitter about this, and your mom's family has looked at me a bit different since this happened. I don't really care, he had it coming and really he did it to himself. Was he caught cheating, stealing money from the pot, or some other illegal activity? No. He didn't set his lineup 2 weeks in a row.

I know what you are thinking. Doesn't this seem a little heartless? Isn't there a chance that the situation could have been handled better? Isn't this kind of trivial to be stressing the family relationship over? The answer is yes to all. It was heartless of him to not set his lineup, he could have handled it better by fulfilling his duty to set it, and it was very immature of him to put me in that position.

Do I feel bad about kicking my own brother out of my fantasy football league? No, because I assume he must have been reaching out for help. He must have needed some tough love from a good brother and league commissioner. I think I probably have helped him grow in many ways. I just hope he has learned his lesson.

I just wonder when I will get my thank you card.

Warnings be Damned

Your uncle Gabe is way more in to home renovations that I am. When Gabe looks at an old house he sees unlimited opportunity, and he is way to stupid to know when he's over his head. If you ever need advice on how to do something he is a great guy to call. He knows how to do almost everything in a home remodel project, and probably has the tools you need to borrow. He's like a one man DeWalt commercial. If you ever need advice on how to handle chemicals, don't call him, or your Grandpa Ray. He also likes the smell of toxic chemicals.

"Have you ever stuck your head in a can of paint thinner and took a deep breath? This stuff is like 40 times worse than that."

I talked to my brother today, and that is how he opened the conversation. It didn't even throw me off that bad or stike me as odd that my brother thought I should have stuck my head into a can of paint thinner. By the way, you should not breathe deeply when things like paint thinner are involved. You should wear a mask and make sure there is good ventilation. Chances are you will be like the rest of us Jorgensen men and figure that warning is for someone else.

This last weekend Gabe had to strip some finish off of concrete, and the only thing he could do it with was Xylene. Apparently it is some really nasty paint thinner type of stuff. Gabe spoke with a voice full of pride when describing how toxic it was, how it burnt his skin when he touched it, and how much time he had spent around it. Did he wear a mask? I really doubt it. He doesn't do drugs, but he's loves fumes. When he was a kid mom found him passed out on a gas tank with the lid off. He has liked the fumes for some time now.

Gabe is a good guy, and I probably should try to portray him better than this, but one time he chased me around our parents yard with a metal dog chain and would whip it around my ankles and make me fall. He also liked to pretend he was dying and make me go tell mom... repeatedly. I was very gullible back in the day.
So no, I guess I don't feel bad after all.

The Love of Money

You can't take it with you kid. Money is the root of all evil, or at least the love of money is. Money is nothing more than a tool. It's a hammer you can use to get things, however if you use a real hammer to get things you will be arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. In that sense, money is much more practical.

When you decide what to do in life, money will be a deciding factor. I hope that is all that it is though, just one part of the decision. If you grow up to be in sales you will have the ability to earn as much as you want, but you will have to trade off other things in life to be able to earn more. If you grow up to be a teacher you will trade some earning power for summers off. If you grow up to be an artist you will never have money and your father will not be there to bail you out. No matter what you do, you should not let money be the deciding factor. Unless of course money is why you never vote for a democrat. If that is what keeps you from voting democrat, then ok.

When money is your motivation you become a slave to the chase of more. I am not saying that I don't do things for money. I don't get up early, work late, and make your mom adjust supper times just because I love it. I do it so that we can afford to have a nice home, drive decent cars, and supply you and your mom a style of life that I think we will all enjoy. But more importantly, I work to try to help others have a better life, and to supply them with a great product with great service. Yes, I am in sales, so I do have to sell them stuff to make that happen. I try to do that with a very simple thought in mind. "If you help enough people get what they want, you can have anything that you want." That my little friend is a quote from the great Zig Ziglar. That dude has lead more seminars, sold more books, and made more money teaching people about sales than anyone in the game. You know what? He makes money by helping others reach their dreams. Does everyone in sales operate that way, no. But there are bad apples in every profession. If you do the right thing, you don't have to worry about being lumped in with them.

So go out there and get yours. Follow your dreams and make as much money as you can, but keep a few things in mind. The money isn't the reason. Money can buy cool stuff, but a mansion full of cool stuff can't replace a woman that loves you, kids that are well adjusted, and friends that make you laugh. When a man is on his death bed he never thinks about closing one more sale, but rather who he has touched and how many lifes he has been a part of. Is that cheesy? Yes. Do I care? No.

Me, I want to get rich like most people do. I just want to know that when I get there that I will have people to enjoy it with. If I never end up rich, that's OK too. I just hope that people remember how kickass I was.

My goal for you is that you are self sufficient and happy. If you do that in sales, teaching, baking, or being a star pitcher for the Chicago Cubs and scoring your dad tickets to all your starts so be it. Just know that money is only part of the reason. The rest is getting your dad tickets to Wrigley.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day, and some day we will spend these days out doing fun stuff. Today I am celebrating Father's Day by drywalling. I know, I really shouldn't be so good to myself. The good news is that I am already getting gifts even though I am not officially a dad yet. Your mom got me a little Cubs bat, a BBQ book, and book to read to you. It's a good deal over all. BTW, I am waiting for a coat of drywall mud to dry. That means I have to stop long enough to have a Sam Adams Boston Lager while I listen to the Cubs on the radio. Like I said, you have to sneak some happiness into every project.

Since it's Father's Day I figure I had best tell you a couple things about how to be a good dad. Since I don't have any experience I will draw from my dad, your Grandpa Ray.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right. Some lessons learned from a dad don't come with a warm and happy story. When I was in middle school I decided to carve my name into a desk during science class. Actually, I carved it during several classes. Man, did I dig that in. Correction, I carved them in, I just remembered I had one in my social studies desk too. So one day as the custodians were doing their job they found my handiwork and decided it was time for me to make things right. Their first thought was to make me replace the desks, but they knew that would just mean my parents would have to pay for them. They decided to do one better and call my dad directly. Dad asked if I could have the opportunity to stay after school and sand my name out. They agreed that might be a good chance for me to learn a lesson. That night dad told me what I would be doing. I knew I had done wrong so I accepted the punishment and went to get dad's sanders. He looked at me like I had lost my damn mind. Then he took the sanders out of my hand, and gave me a handful of sandpaper. This was a pivotal point in my life. This was the point I learned that sanding sucks, and public humiliation is a powerful agent of change. If there is one thing worse than sanding, it's hand sanding. For the next couple of days after school I stayed after and sanded for what seemed like hours. Once I was done and I had apologized to the teachers I got ready to leave. Then my dad showed up. He inspected my work and then dropped a dreaded line on me, "Beau, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right. This isn't right yet." I objected, he stared, I started sanding again. When my dad stares... things happen. It's terrifying. Dad wasn't satisfied that my name wasn't there anymore, he wanted everything feathered out and smooth. He also wanted the entire seat smooth, not just the area I had marked up. When I finally got the finished project he wanted he made me walk home where we would have a long talk. He said, "That was really stupid, don't do it again." Grandpa Ray is a man of few words some times, but man does he know how to get his point across.

Teaching and Doing are two different things.-
When your mom and I bought our first house I called my my dad to ask how much he thought redoing my kitchen would cost. I told him I figured I would just buy some cabinets from Lowes and wanted to get his opinion. He saw right through my lie and offered to help me build them at his shop. I knew he would offer but I didn't want to seem too demanding. Dad's are cool like that. When Grandpa Ray tells you he can use his shop and he will help you, he is telling you the truth. He made me and your mom do the majority of the work, but he guided us and he and Grandma Mary helped. I learned alot, built some beautiful cabinets, and most importantly got to spend a ton of quality time with my parents. He also ended up training me how to do things his way which worked out well for him since I now go down and help him with his projects. Trust me, I got the good end of the deal no matter how many trips to Hampton I make to help him out.

Doing a job the right way is about more than sanding, unfortunately it seems to be a big part of my hobbies. Doing things halfassed will get many things in life done, but it will never be enough. It will never be the right way. The lesson he was teaching me wasn't about sanding, or correcting your wrongs, but rather about how to approach life. I have witnessed my father doing things the right way in everything from the way that he raised his kids, the way he loves his wife, and even seen him walk away from a high paying job because he didn't feel he could do it the right way anymore. I questioned him many times along the way, but I never doubted that he was making decisions based upon the way he saw was right. He's a good man, a great father, and someone I want you to watch closely as you grow up. You can learn a lot from him.

I love ya dad, thanks for pissing me off all those times when I wanted to take the easy way out and for busting me when I had done wrong. Thank you for teaching me how to fish, build stuff, and how to fix up a home. Most of all, thanks for being my dad. And by the way, I forgot to send the card again.

Thank Your Mother

Your mom is one hell of a woman. You should be thankful for her. There isn't a whole lot she can't do, and if there is something it's probably on her to-do list to figure out. Full time job, check. Masters degree, check. Producing life, (that's you) check. That doesn't even include the meal plans, the lining up day care, the laundry, and whatever the hell else she packs into a day that I never stop to appreciate. I plan on being a one stop shop for cool stuff, but when you need something meaningful you had best go to your mom. She's the most amazing woman I have ever met, and I am just thankful every day that she's a sucker for a guy with dimples and a Cub's hat. Lucky for you that you have a 50% chance of dimples and a 100% chance of a Cub's hat. Just know that every day there are millions of kids born, and you hit the jackpot ending up with her as your mom. So thank her, she deserves it.

Actually, that is something we can work on together. We love ya, thanks for making us a family.

Things are Disappearing

Stuff from my childhood is disappearing all the time. I want you to know about a few things that I don't think you will hear about in history class.

Church Lady Voice- When I was growing up we always went to small churches. So did your mom. In small churches across Iowa and perhaps the world there are old women with what I call "Church Lady Voice." There is always one old woman, and usually a handful, who feel it necessary to really stretch the vocal cords and get up to the high notes with the warbliest sounding shreak possible. They drown out the rest of the church and they love it. Your mom and I go to a contemporary church with a band and songs that are more pop than crazy church lady hymn. Some people hate it, I love it. There is nothing that I love more though than someone with Church Lady Voice belting it out and realizing that with this new type of worship that they just don't fit in. RIP Church Lady Voice. The only sad thing is that there used to be an old guy in every church singing 3 octaves lower than everyone else to counteract her, and now he's gone too. I miss that guy, I wanted to be that guy. I still try to be some times, and I sound stupid... I just realized I am a Church Guy Voice wannabe. Sad.

Newspapers- Newspapers are dying. Once upon a time they filled a vital role in getting the information out to the people. They were the watchdogs of corruption, the breakers of news, and the must have accessory for every poop. Nowadays all you need is a phone with internet access and everyone in the office doesn't need to know that you are heading off for a poo. Also, you never have to fold up an internet feed.

Land Line Phone- Can you believe that way back in the day if you wanted to make a call you had to stand near a box with a spiral cord? I am pretty sure that the damn cord always being tangled up was a big reason for it's down fall. Chances are that by the time you are my age the only place you will see a phone with a cord is a government office or a museum. Back in those days the only thing you could use it for was talking. No camera, no internet, no texting, and no teleporting. I am assuming you will be able to teleport with your phone. It seem logical with the tele prefix.

Fax Machines- It was email before email was cool. It also had creepier paper, louder noises, and more smudgey lines than you can imagine. I can't believe this was once at good as it got. God Bless America and her technological progress.

Pluto as a Planet- When I was growing up, Pluto was a planet. Later in life, a bunch of scientists decided that it was actually just a moon. Let me tell you one thing son. Pluto is a planet. If some fancy shmancy scientist told me that my car was a giraffe I wouldn't believe them either. So in this case Mr. Scientist, you can stick it in Uranis. (easy joke, sorry)

Things of the Past

It's a brave new world out there buddy. Things change so fast these days that old people don't even know what to be cranky about any more. Everything I am about to reference here will seem as quaint to you as tupperware and cloth diapers to me. (By the way, cloth diapers are making a comeback. Silly hippies.)
Here is a look at the history of stuff you will like that has changed alot.

TV- When I was growing up my parents lived on a farm, and owned one TV. For the entire house. Really. It was a 13 inch TV, and at one point in history it was actually pretty cool. It also had knobs on the front to change channels. That's right, no remote, just knobs you had to get up and touch and stuff. People weren't as fat back then. Just years prior to that having a color TV was somewhat of a status symbol. And at one point in American history there were only 3 channels. Seriously. None of them were ESPN, HBO, or the History Channel. People lived! It's crazy isn't it? Now I set my DVR to record two programs at once off my 150 channels and get pissed because I can't watch a movie On-Demand at the same time. There was a long period of time where people had to actually live life outside of there home! Crazy huh? BTW, DVR is proof God loves us, and it didn't come around until my late 20's. This also explains why people had larger families back in the day.

Animated Movies- Look up "Steamboat Willie." In it's time a black and white choppy cartoon about a mouse on a ship was GROUNDBREAKING. Now, we watch Shrek in HD 3D and wonder how long it is until we have holograms in our living rooms.

Computers- I am not even going to try to explain what life was like before everyone owned a computer. The internet wasn't even a real thing until I was in my teens, and wasn't anything really useful until I was almost 20. Now, I don't know how people existed without it. If I wanted to teach you all of this stuff I would have had to sharpen a sabertooth bone to a point and written this on parchement paper in Elks blood. Aren't you glad I had wireless internet? That's the other thing. At one point you had to wait hours to get a website up, now if I have to wait a minute, or God forbid plug in a cord I feel cheated. I imagine that you will just have some mind connection to it with a projection coming out of your eyeballs by the time you are my age... if your robot master will allow it.

Cars- When I was growing up cars ran on gas.... Never mind. Some things are pretty much the same. The oil companies have big enough lobbying groups to fill the Gulf of Mexico... oh wait, they have oil spills large enough to fill the Gulf of Mexico.

Drywall Sucks

Is this a picture of Daddy drywalling? Hell no son. If it were, there would be no mask, a better hat and I sure as hell would have more bubbles in the tape. Drywall is one of the unfortunate side effects of buying a home. What seems like a simple little project is actually a vortex of mind numbing hell. Is it dusty? Yes. Is it dirty? Yes. Does it require patience and an eye for detail? You bet your smooth skinned little butt it does.

There is something terribly irritating about doing drywall. The framing up of walls isn't bad, and the hanging of the drywall isn't too terrible itself either. That is why your Grandpa Ray sticks around for that part. Then he abandons you. (Thanks for the help Dad, I really did appreciate it.)

So here is your how to guide, because I whole heartily plan on leaving you to mud on your own as well.

Step 1. Sand any paint off of adjoining walls. This is a really fun part. You get all sorts of stuff in your eyes leading to spastic blinking and red eye. It will feel like you wore your contacts in a sandbox for a month. It's awful, and yes you will have contacts. You are genetically prone to it. No big deal right? Paint can't be that hard to sand, right? (Insert laughter here) Apparently paint is made up of diamond dust. It takes forever to sand, and ruins your sandpaper at mind numbing speeds. At it never gets flat. Never.

Step 2. Apply mud. What's that you say? You love mud? Not so fast grasshopper. This isn't the fun kind of mud that you can form into castles or fake turds. No, this is just grey stuff that is kinda like Play-Do but tastes worse and doesn't come in fun colors. In fact, if you are reading in a historical posting order you might remember it tastes kinda like wood glue. You will have drywall mud everywhere. It's awful. Oh, and every time you think it looks good, you will see one flaw which you will try to fix and thereby make it worse. EVERY DAMN TIME.

Step 3. Sand. You left lines everywhere didn't you? You left some craters right? Of course you did. Try to smooth them out. You will want to use a shop vac or there will be more white powder around than the British Parliment.

Step 4-Ohmygodwhyisn'titdoneyet. Yeah, it's that bad. Just do step 2 and 3 until it looks good. Over and Over until frustration grows so big you can't stand it anymore and give up.

So in conclusion, Drywall sucks. It's muddy, dusty, dirty, streaky, and awful. Enjoy, because I am leaving once the sheetrock is hung. Oh, and you still have to paint... SUCKER

Not As it Seems

The English language can be a bit tricky, so I am going to try to help you with this. Sometimes people use phrases that don't mean what you would think, have been outdated, or they are just stupid. And if you go into sales, you will be constantly bombarded with sports analogies that may or may not make sense at all. For now we'll focus on cat phrases because I just had an old client came in whom seemed to be obsessed with this whole cat thing. Watch out for the following.

There is more than one way to skin a cat.- I am sure this is true, but skinning cats is a good indicator that you will grow up to be a serial killer, or that you work at a shady chinese joint. Either way, I don't care how many ways you can skin a cat. Don't do it. This just means there are different ways to do things.

Cat's out of the bag.- I am pretty sure that kitty pelts and their transport was once a very big business based on how many ways there were to skin them. I know that beaver pelts were once high fashion so I guess that should not really surprise me. If someone says that cat's out of the bag, they really mean that a secret is no longer a secret. Also, as long as that cat is out of that bag, and everyone wants to skin it, that cat had better run.

Does the cat got your tongue? - God I hope the cat doesn't have your tounge. You ever seen where a cat licks with their own tounge? Imagine what they would do with yours.

Like a cat on a tin roof.- You may assume you should get a ladder to help the cat down, or maybe get some tin snips so that you can cut a hole in the roof the cat can crawl through to get down. What it really means is... this is the stupidest post I have done yet. Sorry, I hadn't posted in a while and I thought I should.