Choose Your Heroes Carefully

Willie Nelson once implored "Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys." I think he meant Dallas Cowboys because their fans are so obnoxious, Michael Irvin and Emmit Smith are trying to destroy the English language, and also because Jerry Jones is crazy. He then went on to say "make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such." Willie had a real sense of humor since he would go on to spend most of his adult life fighting lawyers and such. (Lesson here is pay your taxes, don't do drugs, and don't be Willie Nelson.)

You need to choose your heroes carefully. One minute you are rooting on Sammy Sosa against Mark McGwire during a home run chase and the next moment you are wondering why in front of congress Sammy can't speak English and Mark is "not here to discuss the past." It's because they both were cheaters, and so was Roger Clemens and a whole list of others. Most were Yankees.*

When you look to celebrities and athletes for heroes you will find yourself disappointed more often than not. For every Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls you will find a Lindsay Lohan doing coke off a toilet. For every Tom Cruise in Top Gun there is a Tom Cruise worshiping alien gods, wearing platform shoes, and jumping up and down on Oprah's Couch. Trust me when I say that they are not to be trusted.

Sometimes it's best to be inspired by the parts of a public persona rather than the whole. So find the good, be inspired by exceptional talent, but please keep in mind that your heroes are human and they too have serious flaws. Unless of course they are Greg Maddux, the greatest pitcher of the modern era.


*I don't have a whole lot of facts to back that up, but you should follow me blindly.*

Some Times Hasenfus is Enough

http://sports.espn.go.com/boston/news/story?id=5080454
I don't know Larry Hasenfus, and I doubt that I ever will. The man himself isn't what is important, but his story is.

Sometimes life hands you a giant pile of poo and there isn't a whole lot you can do with it. But poo applied correctly can grow a beautiful garden. Sometimes life gives you a handful of poo, and then you really need to wash your hands. Because really, who wants their hands to smell like that?

Larry had a learning disability, failed academically, but he also had a love for life and a dream. Sometimes that is all you need. Sometimes that is worth a lot more than all the advantages in the world. A dream lets you live outside the confines of reality and accepted truth. How else do explain a 58 year old on the baseball team?

Sports aren't always about winning, life isn't always a straight path, and sometimes you just need a cool mustache and a good story. So before you give up, think about Larry Hasenfus first and dream about what else may lie ahead.

Use Charcoal

In the world of grilling there are two distinct fronts, Gas and Charcoal. There is only one good option.

Gas grills get hot fast and cook stuff. The end. They have no other advantage. They are way better than microwaving food, about the same as broiling, and not as good as pan frying. Pan frying has the advantage of using oils or even better... fat. If you can fry if in bacon fat then you have got something going. Bacon, and bacon fat, make everything better. Take shore lunch for example. Every year when I was younger I went to Canada with your Grandpa Ray every year for about 7 years. It's awesome, and I will take you sometime. Anyway, we would have a big skillet we would cook 2 pounds of bacon in, then saute onions in the bacon fat, then add beans, then mix it all up. Was it awseome, you bet. Did it make you feel like you were going to die, you know it. Was it delicious... you can only imagine. The lesson of this? Hell I don't know, I just know that gas grills suck.

Man has been cooking on an open flame for centuries now. Just like God intended on it. The idea of burning wood or coal to cook meat is part of man kind. Light a fire, roast a weiney, put a hog on a spit, whatever! It feels good. You get a righteous flavor with a live fire that you can't get with gas. It feels better, and when we use gas the terrorists win. I am not sure how yet, but I am pretty sure they do. George Washington never used a gas grill, what other reason do you need?

Temper your expectations

The 2010 season is upon us, and with every season comes new hope. Sure the Cubs are due, but we should have hover cars by now and the last time the Cubs won the series a car was part of a train.

There are tons of life lessons that can come of being a Cubs fan. Patience, loyalty, belief, delusion, and panic being some of them. Nothing in life is given to you and sometimes what you wait for is only made sweeter by a long patient wait. Of course many Cubs fans die waiting for it... but let's not dwell on the negatives here. You are due to be born right during playoffs so let's just hope that you are the luck we have been waiting for. No pressure, it's just generations of Cubs fans that are counting on you.

Never Start a Rap War

Chances are that this won't be a real important lesson for you, but I don't want to seem like I am trying to limit your future opportunities.

Never start rap war. When I was a kid TuPac and Biggie had a rap feud. It was a big East Coast vs West Coast thing. I don't think this should effect you as we live in the Midwest, which oddly enough is no where near the Middle East. That has never made any sense to me that Iowa and Iraq could sound so similarly located. But back to the rap wars.

This started a huge controversy that lead to everyone choosing sides and pledging allegiance. Well, MTV did a special about it at least and Lord knows that MTV is very important.

Long story shot:
TuPac- Dead
Notorious BIG- Dead
P. Diddy- Well, he came out of this pretty well.

So in conclusion never start a rap war or you will die. Or be unbelievably wealthy for a guy that can't rap, steals others music, and is a monotone.

Enjoy the Little Things

Life is going to be hard sometimes. There will be stress, there will be heart break, and there will be failure. But in between all that will be an endless supply of things to enjoy. You have a family that is so excited to have you around. You will make more friends that you can count. The world is your oyster (Don't be disappointed when you find out what an oyster is, it's just an expression. Oysters are slimy and taste weird. They can make pearls, but from what I can tell no on really likes pearls except old rich ladies).

Between all that big picture stuff you will have to find your own little sources of joy. Sometimes it will be as simple as finding your hands, or your junk if you are a boy. Sometimes it will be more involved like developing a hobby. It might even be just making "to do lists" if you take after one of your parents*. I encourage you to take time to develop these little pockets of happy in your life. Who knows, you might even end up being the three time defending Toads Chili Cook On People's Champion!

And yes, this post is more for me than you. Sorry.... but not really. If there is anyone in this world who can milk a meaningless achievement it's me.

*your mom*

Beam Me Up Snotty

I am not a huge sci-fi fan, but I do know one thing for sure. Never, ever, let someone named Snotty teleport you. Your butt could end up in front of you. This technology is not presently available, but I am pretty sure that Spaceballs was set in the future and you are going to be damn near 30 years younger than me. So teleporting will obviously be a mode of transportation at your disposal.

If you ever meet a guy named Scotty, and he has a Vulcan friend, then by all means. Go ahead! It sounds like a great way to get around. But one wrong letter and Snotty is in charge, and then you are screwed. You will be looking down at your buttocks wondering what in the hell went wrong. I care enough about you to know that I never want that to happen. You aren't even born yet and Dad is already looking out for you. That's love soybean.

The DH is stupid

In baseball there are two sets of rules.
Your Mom's side will tell you that the pitcher shouldn't have to bat. They believe that pitchers are beautiful little creatures that shouldn't be subjected to dirty things like pine tar and running on dirt. They think at least one guy on each team should have well over half the game devoted to chewing sunflower seeds and "visualizing".

It isn't their fault they are so wrong. They don't know better... The DH exists so that ball players can earn full paychecks but play half time, but we will cover democrats soon enough.

In the NL (God's League) baseball players play ball. Pitchers are also batters and they get the chance to go out there and prove themselves. Occasionally they don't even suck that bad. Big Z takes mighty Babe Ruth hacks and I swear to God that Wrigley explodes when he comes to bat. Greg Maddux (Greatest pitcher of the modern era) made an art form out of bunting.

They pitch and hit just like Jesus and the disciples did. I read the Bible once and I am pretty sure it's in there. Judas never made the big leagues because he couldn't handle a changeup. (there is a biblical reference in there)

So in summary; the DH is stupid, fat, and lazy. Don't waste time getting to know it now because you will find many people in your life that will fit that bill.

Your Mom is Awesome

Your mom is a thoughtful, beautiful woman. The English language hasn't developed words to describe her, and I haven't even mastered what's out there yet or I'd try to do her justice. So take my word for it, she's good people and you are lucky to come from her.

Even before she got pregnant she read up on what she could or could not do/eat/partake while pregnant. She makes sure she gets plenty of sleep and behaves herself.
If your dad was in charge you would be in serious danger. That is why your mom was left in charge of birthing you (that and generations of evolution, we'll get to that much later). You have a chance because of her. I promise I would have screwed it up. Your mom is the type of woman that you should be/try to marry. If you are half the woman she is, or marry the type of woman she is you will have a great life ahead of you. If you follow your dear old dad... God help us all.

So in summary... Please be like your mom, for all of our sakes.
Seriously, be like your mom.