Short Lessons

1. Never walk in your neighbors yard barefoot if they have a dog. This one has gotten me twice in the last month. One was even on field turf thanks to my buddy Dallas and his high end dog poo catching fake grass yard. That one at least made me feel classy.

2. Don't pay when dining with your in-laws. After being rescued by my in-laws and them having to drive me all over rural Iowa I thought it was the right thing to do. Grandma Kelly was extremely offended and demands that I accept repayment. Of all the things to be mad at me about, buying supper is the one that she chose. This speaks not only to the natural order of things, but to the good heartedness of your mothers parents.

3. Never let your car break down. Your mother had to drive me to my office and pick me up after work. I also had to guilt my secretary into eating out today because I didn't have anything in the fridge for lunch, and no way to drive to get something. I haven't felt so self concious since I went to a dance in high school and my mom had to drive me to my date's house. My date was an upper classman and didn't think that I would need a ride, and I surely wasn't going to ask for one. I showed up in green corduroy pants, a flannel shirt, and a half a dozen roses. I felt like such an ass.

4. Don't let me dress you. I showed up for a dance with green corduroy pants and a flannel shirt. The 90's had some weird clothing styles, but I made them even worse.

5. Don't buy a half dozen roses. For God's sake, if you are trying to make an impression go with the full dozen. I had a job, I could have sprung for the whole dozen, but I didn't. Between the fact that my date thought we were going as friends and I had roses, my awful style, and general 15 year old akwardness we had a terrible supper and rarely saw each other at the dance. The only redeeming part of this story is that I got better with women as I got older. You have a chance.

6. High school and dog poo bombs have alot in common. They are both funnier to look back on now than they were at the time.