The Big Decisions in Life

Some days you wake up realizing that you have life by the balls and go out and achieve. You just make things happen. You just wake up pissing excellence. (I don't know if if that has ever really happened, but I love the phrase. Pissing Excellence sounds awesome. I bet it smells like asparagus. By the way, both coffee and asparagus will make your pee smell different, but asparagus is like a beautiful butterfly. Enjoy it now because it doesn't last long.) These are the days that are awesome to be alive.

Some days don't start like that. These are the days when the big decisions are arduous and trying. When a decision that can alter life must be made. These truly, my little friend, are the times that try men's souls.

One day as I stood in front of the mirror getting ready I realized that my hairline was making a hasty retreat from my eyebrows. I don't know what my lower head had done to scare my hair, but holy bejebus I think it moved an inch over night. I also realized that the front was thinner than it used to be. Not so much, "I lost 5 pounds with a fad diet", thinner, but rather, "I had lapband surgery and moved into a sauna" thinner.

To make matters worse, I now had hair growing out of my nose, not growing out of my scalp, and I still can't grow decent facial hair. My facial hair is to the Caribbean Islands what a normal mans facial hair is to South America. I have random dots with no order instead of a nice solid mass with a discernible shape. It's awful, and to make it worse, it grows fast enough I have to shave every day. The only way I am ever going to have a good mustache is to draw one on, or glue a prosthetic mustache to my face. I hate hair at this point.

So, herein lies the decision. Do I accept male pattern baldness and give up to mother nature? Do I fight back and use Rogaine? Man, life was so much cooler before I was fat, balding, and just a facial hair failure. This is one of those decisions that you can't win for losing. I am going to let it go. It just doesn't seem manly to worry about hair that much. Maybe I can just become a black man and look cool with a shaved head instead of looking like a white supremest. Maybe I will go with the Hulk Hogan look and just grow the sides super long and wear a bandanna.
Yeah, that should work out real nice.


Trying to figure out what kind of food to have at your fantasy football draft is another really big decision. First I thought about making a couple racks of ribs and having potato chips around. Then I realized that I would still have at least another 50 cubic inches of surface area in the smoker unused. That sounds awful. Imagine how much more meat that could cook.

So then I saw these little chicken thighs wrapped in bacon, and thought I had better try those too. Chicken usually isn't that manly, but I figure chicken thighs are kind of like chicken wings, and anything wrapped in bacon and smoked for a few hours has to be awesome. Especially if it's pork wrapped in bacon, but that is a whole separate subject. I think I decided since there are only 3-4 of us drafting here I will just do 2 racks of ribs, a bunch of the bacon wrapped chicken, and a couple pounds of sausage. And maybe some bacon wrapped jalepenos. I love the draft, and I love that smoker.

The manly food is far from the only Fantasy Football Decision I have to make this week. I obviously have to draft all my players and this year I have to win it all. I haven't won for two years. I also am playing in honor of a friend of mine, Aaron DeYoung. He posted this picture on-line. I named my team Bubble Time with Aaron. This should be a handy reference piece on whether or not you should post something on-line. Remember, once it's out there, you never know where else it might pop up.


Big decisions don't come easy. Try to err on the side side of being manly, pissing excellence, not posting bubble bath pics online, and using the entire cooking area in your smoker and you should be fine.