A Lifetime of Regret

Well... about this. I typed "Lifetime of Regret" into google search and this is what it brought up. I had a whole thing about living for the moment all qued and ready to go, and then I saw this. So now I am thinking I will just clue you in on a couple of simple lessons.

Tattoos- They are permenant, and the only way to remove them is a lazer. This is not a magic lazer that removes everything like a magic erase board, but rather a lazer that just burns shit off and leaves a scar. It's great for removing a name, but not so much from your skeleton mask tat.
Rules of thumb on tatoos.
1.Don't get them unless you will love it when your are sixty and your skin is wrinkly and flabby. Get a naked girl tatoo and in 30 years she will be flabby and and stretched out too.
2. Don't get a name of a living person on your body. If you want to get a sibling's name that dies young, ok. I have a friend with that tat and it is cool. Don't get a girlfriends name... they come and go, but the ink stays. Then you are trying to get Melissa to look like Mississippi just so you can say it's after your favorite river.
3. Leave it in your will. Have someone tat you up once you are dead. It won't matter then. You can have every girlfriend and every river at that point. Wow, that sounds morbid, but I will have one hell of a will reading.

I would argue that the best tattoo is the one that you don't get. When I was living in Australia I thought about getting a tat of the outline of the country filled in with the Australian flag. I can't imagine explaining that one now. Alot of guys from my generation did the barb wire or tribal design on the bicep. Keep in mind that working out is not a lifelong hobby for most people. Some day your killer barb wire tat will look like wilted daiseys. Also, never get the "Chinese symbol for" tat. They might not understand a forign language, or even worse they might and not like you. That "Strength" tattoo might mean "clown porn."

Branding_- I have a friend, who I will not name, that decided to brand the letter "S" into his arm. (Rhymes with Bott Brother) The unfortunate thing is that the hanger they were using got hot and bent. So he ended up with a brand that looked more like a "5" than an "S". They nicknamed him Daddy 5. That scar is not going away.

Piercings- Peircing holes will grow shut eventually. The pictures taken with them will not. Don't get your ears pierced. (If my next kid is a girl, go ahead.) Don't get anything else peirced. That is regretable. My Dad always threatened to pierce my wiener with a rusty nail if I got my ears peirced. I did. He followed through.




Just kidding. I took it out before I got home. I am not crazy, I was just stupid for a moment.

Restful Sleep

Pregnancy is really getting to your mom. She's uncomfortable, she can't relax, and she can't sleep... Unless of course she is in my hammock she bought me for Father's Day. I now understand the reason she didn't think that the IPod Stereo I bought her for her birthday was so genuine.

It has effected her sleeping though. Your feet digging into her ribs and constant moving around has changed her from a coma sleep to a light one. Therefore my nights of easy slumber have been FUBAR'd as well. The beautiful woman who slept through house fires is now a beautiful woman who kicks me when I snore and says "ROLL OVER! YOU'RE SNORING!" a few times a night. The whole house fire thing, true story.

One night after we had been out with some friends Mom went to bed and I stayed up. Through the office window, which is now your window, I saw flashing lights. I went out and saw firetrucks and Firemen. I went over to see if they needed my help.* They didn't so I went in to wake up your mom, I mean hell, our neighbor's house was on fire. She needed to know. So I went into our bedroom and shook her foot. "Ash, our neighbor's house is on fire." She said, "OK".

"Ashley, our nieghbor's house is on fire."

"Fine." She said. At this point I am laughing and shaking her. "Ash! Our neighbor's house is ON FIRE!"

"Fine Beau," and she rolled over. She didn't care, she was sleeping and I was not going to wake her. I ended up going to our other neighbor's, Samir, and after trying to help the other neighbor get a claim filed, and a few "Bosnian sips of Vodka" went home. By the way, they don't sip. They are great hosts though. I went home and slept on the couch because I smelled like house fire.

The next morning your mom came downstairs and said, "BEAU! Our neighbor's house burnt down last night!"

You did this. Your awoken the sleeping pregnant lady. I used to sleep next to a beautiful coma woman. Now I get elbowed for snoring. And to think... some day I will look back upon this time as when I got a good nights rest.


*Firemen do not need your help. You are in the way.*

To Trust, or Not

Sometimes in life you will have to place a blind trust in people. Always listen to your gut feeling first. If your gut tells you that the person you are dealing with might shoot you, don't associate. Maybe that will lead to you profiling people and companies, but it will also save you some grief later. When your gut fails, trust this list.

Trust Weber Grills- A great quality charcoal grill at a reasonable price. Gabe has the above model and it is spectacular. It even has a gas ignition system. Note that the cooking is done on charcoal, and the gas is just the lighter. This is a key point. Never use a gas grill. The terrorists win when we use gas.

Don't Trust Bald Barbers- Sure, they might have been good in the past, but I think a good barber should have hair. Take this from a guy that is doomed to be bald.

Trust Toads- Great bar, great food, great staff, and I am the reigning Chili Cook On Champion. They know a good thing.

Don't Trust Cheap Tools/ Trust DeWalt- Cheap tools are great until you use them. Then you find out why there are cheap. A quality tool will last a very long time. DeWalt makes a ton of quality tools. (Really DeWalt, I will accept sponsorships here.)

Trust Texas Roadhouse- Great steaks and great sides. They also let you throw peanut shells on the floor.

Don't trust CNN, Democrats, or French People- Ever

Don't Trust Infomercials- Seriously, if it was a good product they wouldn't need to advertise at that time of night.

Don't trust- Psyciatrists that talk to themselves.

Trust- TruGreen Lawn Service- They came in and declared jihad on my lawn. They have killed all weeds an built a wonderyard. Like I wonder when I am going to be able to trim it.

Pirate Jokes

Pirate Jokes are good for every situation, and here is my favorite. Please keep in mind that the key to a good pirate joke is an extended "YAAARRR" and a stupid pirate voice. Also keep in mind that you should always have your forefinger and index finger shaped as a hook while pirate speaking. Yes, I do think these are important things in life.

A pirate walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "YYYAAAAARRRRR, I'll have me a rum." The bartender pours the drink and says to the pirate, "Hey buddy, do you realize you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?" Pirate says, "YYYYYAAAAAARRRRR, it's driving me nuts!" (move hands back and forth like you have a giant steering wheel in front of you.)

That my friend is the best pirate joke ever. If I had a dollar for every time I used it I would be rich by now. Instead I just have a wife that cringes every time pirates are brought up in conversation because she knows what is coming.

Health Care, I am Sorry

This is a chart of of the government agencies and oversight that your future health care system will entail as a result of the Obamacare bill that was passed in 2010. Looks fun huh? See down in the right hand side the little star shape that says patients? Yep, that's us.

Sorry this passed while I was a voter, unfortunately too many Americans and too many legislators heard, "Fix Healthcare" and said "Hell yeah we should!" Never mind the fact that over 2800 pages of crap nobody really understood is exactly what was passed. Now we will get to try to implement it. God help us all.

This is why I hate big government. This is why you will be raised to be a Republican.

Short Lessons

1. Never walk in your neighbors yard barefoot if they have a dog. This one has gotten me twice in the last month. One was even on field turf thanks to my buddy Dallas and his high end dog poo catching fake grass yard. That one at least made me feel classy.

2. Don't pay when dining with your in-laws. After being rescued by my in-laws and them having to drive me all over rural Iowa I thought it was the right thing to do. Grandma Kelly was extremely offended and demands that I accept repayment. Of all the things to be mad at me about, buying supper is the one that she chose. This speaks not only to the natural order of things, but to the good heartedness of your mothers parents.

3. Never let your car break down. Your mother had to drive me to my office and pick me up after work. I also had to guilt my secretary into eating out today because I didn't have anything in the fridge for lunch, and no way to drive to get something. I haven't felt so self concious since I went to a dance in high school and my mom had to drive me to my date's house. My date was an upper classman and didn't think that I would need a ride, and I surely wasn't going to ask for one. I showed up in green corduroy pants, a flannel shirt, and a half a dozen roses. I felt like such an ass.

4. Don't let me dress you. I showed up for a dance with green corduroy pants and a flannel shirt. The 90's had some weird clothing styles, but I made them even worse.

5. Don't buy a half dozen roses. For God's sake, if you are trying to make an impression go with the full dozen. I had a job, I could have sprung for the whole dozen, but I didn't. Between the fact that my date thought we were going as friends and I had roses, my awful style, and general 15 year old akwardness we had a terrible supper and rarely saw each other at the dance. The only redeeming part of this story is that I got better with women as I got older. You have a chance.

6. High school and dog poo bombs have alot in common. They are both funnier to look back on now than they were at the time.

Car Problems and Dead Cell Phones

I went and worked on the crib again this weekend. It wasn't the most productive weekend in terms of making sawdust and visible progress, but we did get a lot of "figuring" done, and made some final tweaks to the actual assembly. The crib building wasn't the most interesting part of my weekend however, the ride home was. Now for the lessons of the weekend.

1. Don't keep your cell phone near water. Your mother sat out by her pool on Sunday enjoying the warm weather and trying to get you a tan through all that bothersome skin. At some point she stood up and sent her phone into the pool. For the record, she did the right thing in scooping it out of the water and putting it in rice. The rice helps pull the water out of the phone. It's like a Democrat near taxpayer money. It keeps pulling until the water is out, but unlike a Democrat it actually helps make the system work better.

2. Charge your cell phone. Cell phones are great when things go wrong... unless they don't have enough battery power to make a phone call.

3. Memorize important people's phone numbers. You never know when you will need to call a your father-in-law for a ride, or need to call a neighbor to go speak to your wife for you.

4. Pull over when your car gets hot. If you keep driving your call will sieze up and you won't be driving anymore.

So with all of these important lessons in mind I will recap my drive home on Sunday. For the record some of these lessons for you have come to me by way of hardship. Sunday evening I left Dad's shop with the knowledge that my cell phone was kinda low on battery. I turned off my ringer during the afternoon so that I would have battery left for the ride home, and found out that I had missed several calls during that time on the way home. I saw I had missed a call from your mom, Grandma Kelly, and Grandpa Curt as well as a few texts. At this point I was certain that your mother was in labor and that you were en route. I called Ash, no answer. I listened to a voice mail that was crackly and thought I heard something about your mother vacuming her phone. I was perplexed to say the least. Eventually I got ahold of of Curt who told me about your mom's attempt to teach her cell phone how to swim. It doesn't matter how long you were a life gaurd, cells don't swim. I told Curt I had better let him go, because my phone was about dead.

As I drove through the metropolitan area of Dumont IA, I realized that my air conditioner wasn't working. Then I realized that my power steering wasn't working. I thought to myself, "Self, you should pull over." Then my high coolant warning came on. I pulled over. At this point I was a mile or so out of Dumont with a dead car. I, being a manly man, popped the hood to see what was wrong. I am not much of a car guy, but even I could tell I was screwed. The belt hanging at random was a good clue, and the trail of liquid behind my car was a solid confirmation. I wasn't going anywhere. So I called Curt again to see if he could give me a ride. Or, at least I tried. My phone then told me that I was a dumbass, and my battery was too low to make a call. So I spotted the nearest farm house and started walking.

Thankfully I live in Iowa, and not New Jersey. In Iowa you can walk up to a farm house, ask to use the phone, and be invited in almost like family. In New Jersey if you show up to a home unannounced you will be shot. (At least according to the stereotypes that I believe in.) They invited me in, let me make a long distance call, offered me a water, and then let me sit down and wait since it was hot outside. Thank you random farm couple, the next option was a long ways away.

Curt came and picked me up, thank you Curt, and took me to his brother's home. His brother, Scott, is the mayor as well as mechanic in town. Small towns are cool like that. He went and towed my car, and fixed it the next day. Thanks Scott!

At this point, I have a dead phone in my pocket, a dead car on the side of Highway 3, and a wife with a failed swimming lesson. I called my neighbor, Shortway, to ask him to go tell my pregnant wife that I was going to be a while, but I was with her dad so everything would be OK. Thankfully he moved to Iowa from New Jersey several years ago, otherwise he would have delivered that message and then shot her. So thank you Chris, not only for delivering my distress message, but also for not shooting my wife.

Eventually I had supper with the in-laws, got a ride home from my brother-in-law, and made it home to my gunshot free wife. The next day my wife drove me to Allison to pick up my car.

And we all lived happily ever after.

The End.