Last night Stinky McRottensausage lost his umbilical cord. Thank God. It turns out that an umbilical cord has about a two week shelf life when it comes to hanging on, and about 2 days before falling off it smells like roadkill. There was a short time in young Cruz's life when making a little babyhouse outside seemed like a very viable option. I cut my son's umbilical cord when he came out, and from that day forward it shrunk and blackened day by day. By the way, they need to sharpen those scissors. That was disturbing. The cord started off as the consistency of raw sausage and ended up looking like... well... beef jerky paper. Shrively, disgusting little beef jerkey paper.
As I stood over my child's stomach yesterday making a retching motion and spraying pretend puke over him my wife reminded me that it wasn't his fault that his cord smelled. So I am pretty sure she must have rubbed a dead squirrel on it. It was awful. I threatened to spray him down with cologne to make him more bearable to be around. It was a nasty trap he laid. One second you look at him and see this beautiful little child that has stolen your heart, and then you lean over to pick him up and almost immediately pass out. Awful.
By a small act of our glorious Lord that cord finally fell off last night. My wife was so excited she woke me up at 3 AM to tell me, and I was so happy I didn't even care she had woke me up. Today when I told my cousin he asked if we had thrown it away. That is such a stupid question that I hope Ash didn't, and then he will get that in his Christmas present this year.
So the lesson here is... um.... don't ask stupid questions about umbilical cords and you won't get them for Christmas.
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