Be a Patriot

Son, I urge you to be a Patriot. Not only in the "USA USA USA!" kinda way, but in the NFL Patriot sense. I know this might be confusing since I am a Bears fan and hereby require you to be as well if you want to get a piece of the inheritance (I just giggled at the thought of me leaving an inheritance worth worrying over. ) I swear this makes sense.

I figure that your Uncle Gabe and I are 6' and 6'2 respectively and when we were in shape about 180 pounds or so. Your mom's side uncles are about the same, and maybe a bit smaller. I figure you should be about Gabe and my size, and maybe a bit bigger since your mom and I are taller than both of our parents. So what I am getting at, is that you are going to be too small to play sports professionally. You only really have a few shots.

1. Golf- Not really a sport, and I despise golf. I like the golf cart and beer part, but from what I see on TV that isn't really part of the pro game. That leads me to believe that pro golf would suck. Hard. Unless you could find some off the course entertainment... but that will cost you. Some people just think about woods, holes, and strokes and get distracted. I am not referring to anyone in particular here.... but if I were...

2. Soccer- Please God no. I despise soccer.

3. Baseball- Maybe, if the Good Lord smiles down upon you and Greg Maddux will be your pitching coach you will have a chance. You also have a weak shot of being a gritty shortstop. (BTW- Gritty in baseball terms means good at defense and white. If you are pesky that means you are a slap hitting gritty player.)

4. Basketball- Just kidding. You will be white and born to two very unbasketbally people. You better focus on 3 pointers and being European if you want to be a white dude in the NBA.

5. Football- OK, stick with me here. You are going to be too small, and too slow to play in the NFL . You will only have one shot. One chance. (Cue Eminem, the 8 Mile soundtrack) Will you capture it? Or will you let it slip. Yo... yo..

You will have to go to a small college. Probably a DII school, except they aren't called DII anymore, and I don't care enough to look up the new name. Maybe UNI, but you can't live at home. You will need to excel, yet go undrafted because you don't have the measureables. At this point you will need to be scrappy, and gutty. You will have to become, a Patriot.

The New England Patriots are to the NFL what shortstops are to baseball. Some groups just love the gritty white guy. The Patriots have more white people (per capita) on their team than a Republican electoral caucus compared to most NFL rosters. They have a white receiver, two of them in fact. Wes Welker and Julian Endelman. Wes Welker was undrafted and Julian Endelman was drafted in the seventh round and had to convert from a QB.

Quick Trivia- Name the other white receiver in the NFL... there might be more than one, but I couldn't think of them either.

They also have a white running back now named Danny Woodhead. A WHITE RUNNING BACK. Only in New England. The only other white running backs in the league are Peyton Hillis of the Browns (ironic) and Toby Gerhart of the Vikings. These teams are usually associated with staph infections and sexboats... not that that has any connection at all. I just wanted to point that out. Woodhead was undrafted, and cut from the New York Jets roster because he wasn't big enough. These are the guys you will have to emulate.

You are not going to have DB speed, Lineman size, or the skills to be a linebacker. You might be able to be a tight end or perhaps a QB, but I think you will be too small to be a tight end and the QB usually has a crazy dad making him do passing trees in his diapers, and your mom won't let me make you do that to you.

So in summary, if you are going to go pro, you better be ready to gritty, pesky, and an all around player. You will have to work harder than anyone else, and overcome your fair share of adversity. You are are going to have to do it the Patriot way.