Inducing Labor

Well here we are on your due date, and you know what’s missing? You. We know where you are, we just don't know how to get you to come out. For the record, I do not support your procrastination. This is our first little “Do as I say, not as I do,” moment.

Since your mother must have a very comfortable uterus we found ourselves looking at her pregnancy book at ways to naturally induce labor. They range from “easy to do” all the way to “oh God no.” We have tried the spicy food, walking, and your mom even did a few jumping jacks. Upon reading that book I got a bit more insight into how awful a woman must feel at the end of a pregnancy. Here are a few of the other labor inducing options.

“Nipple stimulation”- I thought this one sounded nice. Then I read the description. Apparently using this method a woman should “tweak and twist” her nipples for a few hours a day. A FEW HOURS A DAY. In middle school people used to use this method to induce terror and pain. We called it a “titty twister” or “purple nurple” and it hurts like hell. I am not sure if I am supposed to throw your mother in the locker or give her a swirly when she is done or not. So basically, if a woman gives herself a titty twister a few hours a day it MIGHT induce labor. This is a like a part time job of self terror.

“Stripping the membrane” – I am going to save you the details on that one, but isn’t the name terrifying? I don’t care if this is done by a Dr. It scares the holy hell out of me by name alone. I would rather have someone threaten to kill me than threaten to strip my membrane and I don’t think that is even an option.

“ Castor oil”- If a woman takes a shot of castor oil it may cause labor to begin. That doesn’t sound too bad, other than the fact that castor oil will cause vomiting and diarrhea and it tastes awful. So as long as you don’t mind throwing up everywhere and pooping your mind out castor oil could possibly get you going. How does the castor oil industry market itself? I can’t imagine a billboard for a magic elixir that causes this kind of reaction. Actually, I could, and it would feature Mike Rowe as the spokesmen. I might be on to something here.

Being pregnant must be awful in the last few weeks. After all, women will give themselves titty twisters while shooting castor oil just to go into labor…. which in itself if terrifying. This is why women are in charge of bearing children. I am pretty sure C-Section rates would go way up if men had to deliver.

I think maybe when we get home tonight I might try one of my own ideas. I am thinking that if I just rub your mom's belly with bacon grease and pulled pork you will be able to sense that something wonderful is just out of your grasp. This should lure you into coming out to meet us, or meat us depending on your preference. This sounds so much better than all that sciency crap.

So please, before I have to give your mom a swirly and throw her in a locker, please join us.