Fight or Flight

I want you to be a manly man. I want you to be a man of honor. I do not want to pick you up from jail, or the hospital.

Hollywood and American society in general do a great job of showing how when a man's back is up against a wall he must fight. Fight for honor, fight for pride, and fight to show your manliness. What they don't show very often is how the hero wades into a fight only to be shot, stabbed, or permenantly scarred. The fact is that for every one-on-one manly fist fight, there are a hundred where the supposed hero ends up getting killed, or at least jumped by a crowd. I want you to be a man, but a smart man. Most times it makes more sense to avoid the fight than take it head on.

There are a few times when a man must fight. This should be a last resort. I know that doesn't sound manly, but it is very true. The only acceptable times to fight are as follows:

When attacked.
When your girl is attacked.
When a prize fighter in a sanctioned event.

That's it. You don't get fight clearance for being insulted, for your family getting insulted, or even when a friend is attacked... at least not right away. If you do find yourself in a fighting situation I want you to follow a simple protocol. CHEAT. Since you are only fighting as a last resort your goal should be to vacate the situation as fast as possible. Here are your targets. Throat, junk, eyes, and then knees. Forgo honor in the name of self preservation. The best strategy for a fight is to get the hell out of it and then call the cops. No one gets a glory card for having a criminal record unless they are a criminal. If your girl is attacked add the bit about getting her out of there with you before calling the cops. If anyone insults your family just know that we have thick skin. We would rather have you not shot and pride wounded than prideful and paralyzed.

If your friend is attacked, well... call the cops then join in... if you must. Then start the process of elimination. Do your throat punches, nut jabs, eye gouges, and knee bucklers and try to get out of there. This is not a good situation. Even better than backing up your friend? Don't be friends with fight guy.

I won't spend much time on the prize fighter aspect because I plan on being a good dad. Prize fighters and strippers often have the same type of fathers, and I will never let my future daughter buy lucite heels either.

If you do get in a fight and I find out that you were the instigator we will deal with that too. I will pick you up from jail and give you directions home. According to Mapquest.com that is about 4.4 miles. You will want to make a wider route since that route goes through several areas where there will be plenty of people ready to fight. I will follow in a car with locked doors to make sure that you are safe, but far enough back that the fear of God will be alot closer. Also keep in mind that the 4.4 miles assumes we don't move to Cedar Falls as planned. It gets one hell of a lot further at that point.

Keep that in mind before you get all tough guy.