I can't believe you are this young and I have already failed you so miserably. Your first Halloween has come and gone and yet you have no idea how to kill the majority of monsters. This is especially important on Halloween since you never know who's an innocent child with a mask, and who is a bloodthirsty monster. What follows is a handy, but not comprehensive list of monster killers.
Vampires- Vampires are so chic right now. There are a few TV shows and approximately eleventy billion movies and books on the subject. Killing vampires is best handled with a wooden stake to the heart or exposure to sunlight. Now the easiest way to kill a vampire movie would be by adding a plot or storyline but that is not the point.
Zombies- Zombies are the undead returned to extract vengeance on the living and recruit more of the living to the ranks. They mostly just wander around looking for humans to bite and are generally more of a power in numbers than a real mental force. They are kind of like a bar crowd in a college town after the bars close. It appears the best way to eliminate a zombie threat would be fire, shotguns, or nuclear weapons. The nuclear weapons could potentially have the downside of long term infertility, and ya know... death.
Hairy Monsters- I asked your mom which monsters she thought I should cover and she said, "Umm, Monsters... ya know... hairy monsters..." So I guess I would suggest a razor and some Nair. Thanks honey.
Wizards- Wizards are a tough one to deal with. On one hand I would suggest that you look for the guy with a lightening mark on his forehead, and on the other hand I would suggest that you make sure that the wizard you are battling can't possess the One Ring. It really depends what time of life you discovered your dorkiness. Either way the best way to kill a wizard is a wizard duel. Look it up, it's a fact. Potter vs. Voldemort, Gandolf the White vs. Sauramon the Black... (Fun fact! Sauramon the Black was a white guy and Gandolf the White was grey.) It's science! This won't be real handy info unless you are a wizard. So yeah.. sorry about that.
Democrats- Now you can't really go around killing Democrats. It is illegal and and immoral. What you can do however is kill a Democrat's career and party power. The best way to do so is to sit back and let them do it themselves by ignoring the will of the voters and passing Health Care Bills and expanding the federal government far more than any rational individual would ever want.
The last time that the government was this successful in pissing off the common voter they decided that prohibition was a good idea. By listening to a small sect of influentials citing highly ideological mumbojumbo they came to the realization that booze was the root of all evil and that to preserve the union the spirits must go. Now if you had a headache from celebrating that last night of legal drinking you could try to dull the pain with a bit of opium that was perfectly fine. The upside to prohibition was realized immediately. New jobs were created everywhere now that men didn't have hangovers to fight off. For example there were bootleggers, still operators, moonshiners, and all the organized crime to make sure it was administered smoothly.
Now obviously I am not trying to say that Obamacare and Prohibition are similar. Not at all. Prohibition created jobs. That is something the current administration has proven to be very adept at avoiding.
So there it is, a handy Monster Self Protection Guide. Happy Halloween.
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